Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
