i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
