PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
