Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
