She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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