At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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