how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
