Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
