Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
