This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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