You're my little dorito
I'm really into asian looking animals
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
