Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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