I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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