dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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