Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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