I have demons in me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
