i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
