i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
