You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
