Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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