ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
