Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
