If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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