so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
