I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
