im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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