Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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