Already got asked if we're dating
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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