my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
