There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
