He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
