so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
