he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
The ass gains better be worth it
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