Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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