How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
