So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
