the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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