loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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