yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
