"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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