So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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