I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
