It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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