So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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