I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
