At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
