I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
