Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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