Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
