God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
