Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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