Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Damn victory sex feels great
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
